I miss me!

Someone said to me one day that they missed me. My response was that I missed me too. I haven't been me in a long time. It's funny to say that because I don't really know if I ever knew who I was. I miss having fun. I miss having something to believe in. I miss having faith in people. It feels like that is gone.

I used to have fun and play. Even being an adult, I could play. I can't do that anymore. There are too many expectations that don't include playing. I miss the play. I think that's why I love Disney so much. It reminds me of when I could play. I go there and I can play again.

I used to believe in a lot of things. Now I believe in much of nothing. Nothing is stays the way it is or what it is supposed to be. I wait each day to see what will shift and change. It's hard to believe when you don't know what is or will be.

I used to take people for what I could see. I have found that there are many good actors in the world. People who present themselves, but aren't anything what they appear. Trust is a vary rare commodity.

I do miss me, but more importantly I miss what I have lost.

"Practically mediocre in every way"

Giving a presentation today, I could hear myself getting "preachy". I tend to do that sometimes...I know it's hard to believe, but yeah, it does happen on occasion. I was talking about the work that is done by our agency and how that everything that employees and contractors do should be in the best interest of the clients we serve. At the height of my sermon, I made the statement (along these line) that "if you don't get up every morning with the mind set to do the best for clients, then you need to call in sick and figure it out or find a new job."

Well, now I'm at home. I'm tired and not sure if I had to go back to work, if I would be 100% there for the client. I really don't even want to deal with anything at this point. Writing this blog is becoming somewhat overwhelming and I'm not even sure I have the energy to harvest my virtual farm.

I think in my zeal to make a point I may have been a little pompous. I did catch myself and qualify that we are not perfect and we have bad moments, days, etc. I told them that the most important point is to examine why we are working. We all know that working in human services is not going to make us rich. I have found to continue working in this field you have to find some other "payday" to keep you going.

There's a point in Mary Poppins when she measures herself. Her line is "Mary Poppins. Practically perfect in every way." I will not pretend that describes me. If anything I'm mediocre most days. On occasion, I shine. Those are the Mary Poppins days.

It's My Party...

It's been a hell of a day. Of course any day you have get up and be at work at 7:30 a.m. isn't grand, but with the knowledge that Big Brother is keeping track of the comings and goings only makes it better.

Leaving, on my way to court, I pull up to an intersection and look both ways. Everyone is trying to get to work, zipping by. I saw something in the road and thought it was a box. I then realized it wasn't a box, it was a dog that had been hit and it was still alive. I watched and thankfully is stopped breathing. All I could think about was the dog I lost when it was hit be a car in front of me. I began to cry. And it began.

I have cried all freakin' day. I listen to a Disney podcast and cried. I got a e-mail and cried. I did paperwork and cried. I made copies and cried. I hated this day and....wait for it...yes, I cried.

I logically know why, I cried all day. It's the hormonal changes that come right before Aunt Flo visits. But logic does nothing to help when you can't stop crying. This isn't a cathartic, you feel better after type cry. This is a hic-cupping, hyper-venitlating, for no good reason crying. I'm home now and I'm still crying. I will be glad when this day is over so I can have some control back.

Sorry if you thought this was going to be some happy post, but it's my party and I'll cry whether I want to or not.

Shut down and reboot

Monday the internet connection at home went down. All the home remedies had been tried...disconnect all the wires, reconnect, and turn it back on. No luck. Unplug everything and turn off everything else. Again, nada. So I broke down and called the service provider. I wasn't transfer to India this time or if I was this Indian was from the north east somewhere (judging by the accent). Well, following instructions the internet connection was re-establish...ta-dah.

Well, today my life connection went down. I wish it was as simple as disconnect everything, plug back in, and re-boot. Life wouldn't be that freaking easy. I have tried to disconnect and it didn't work...well it worked for a while but it wasn't what was really needed. Even though I like to disconnect from my family at times, there is still the need to have contact with family at some point. More often than not it's that they need me more. It's definitely not that I need to be needed...in fact some days I could do without being needed or depended on. But with family is responsibility and without family is an abyss.

So I'm taking this moment to shut down and dump, so maybe I can re-boot and be ready for tomorrow.

And the answer is....

Imagine my utter shock and surprise when I turned on my computer the morning after the Miss America Pageant, I found that yet another candidate's chances at success and fame had been dashed because of her answer to the all important question and answer round. Can you tell I'm not really into the pageant stuff? Anyway, it seemed that Miss California didn't answer a question the way the judge wanted. Now whether or not her opinion cost her the crown, I can't say but I do have to give her props for her answering according to her convictions/beliefs. She didn't take the easy-way-out, the politically correct way, or the middle-of-the-road way out. So good for her.

So, being one to learn from other people's mistakes, I have thought about this question/issue and have crafted my answer so that when I am the Miss America candidate I will be ready. Here's the script.

Billy Bush
"The next question will be presented to Miss Kentucky. Miss Kentucky, your question will come from (reaches into fish bowl and pulls out the judge's name) Judge number 8, Perez Hilton.

Perez Hilton
"Thank you. Miss Kentucky, recently...blah, blah, filler facts. Do you believe that all 50 states should pass laws to allow same-sex marriages?"

Miss Kentucky
(Big bright smile) "Thank you for that question. I would have to say that if marriage is looked at in strictly the religious sense, that no, same-sex marriages should not be allowed."

Billy Bush
(Reaching for the microphone) "Well, thank you Miss Kentucky." (Smiling with a 'You effed that up' look on his face)

Miss Kentucky
(Throwing a polite elbow to maintain control of the microphone) "Excuse me (with the best southern accent) but I'm not quite finished. As I was saying, if you look at this strictly in a religious sense, no. However at some point in our history, it was decided that marriage is not a strictly religious ceremony or institution. Government decided that marriage need to be regulated and required that a couple get a 'marriage license' before they get married. Then the Government decided that if two people decided they couldn't live together anymore, they had to appear before a judge and have hearings with attorneys about every little part of the marriage. When this happened marriage became a legal/civil institution. When that occurred, marriage should have been open to all couples, not just male-female couples. If not, you have Government discriminating against a specific group of people. If Government can't discriminate, legally, against it's citizenry, how can they limit marriage, a legal/civil institution? So until the Government gives up the regulation of marriage and control of the dissolution thereof, marriage should be allowed between any two people with all the martial rights currently accorded to male-female couples. This is what I think. I also want world peace. Thank you."

That's my answer and the way I feel about this issue. So do you think I will win Miss America?

Panic

There is something out there. I can't see it, but I know it's there. I can feel it. It's sitting on my chest, not letting me breath. It's clouding my mind making it really hard to think.

I'm not sure why, but its has been with me all day. It's hard to sit at my desk and try to work when I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin for no apparent reason. I get up and walk around the office to try to shake it off. I can't even look at the computer. Waiting for the page to load makes me so tense. There's no one in the office to talk to. I'm alone with whatever it is.

It doesn't happen often, but when it comes it breaks me down. It doesn't help to cry. Screaming only makes me hoarse. I'm nervous and on edge. I'm scared and don't know what of. It's called panic and it has been attacking me all day. So I'm sitting here, writing about it, hoping it will leave so I can sleep tonight.

Why?

When I got a job at social services, I had to attend a lot of training. During one of the trainings on investigation procedure, the trainer asked what questions we would want to ask. Everyone came up with the common...who, what, when, where, how...and one person said why. The trainer jumped on this. "You never ask a child why. There is no way you can phrase a why question that won't be perceived as an accusation." I thought this was interesting and true. But I thought there are other reasons you don't ask 'why'.

I don't ask "why" because I don't want to know the answer. "Why did you do that?" I think if I got the answer it would be worse than the wondering I do now.

I don't ask "why" because I know the answer, but I don't want to admit it. "Why is this so important to you?" I know because I may want the same thing, but don't want to admit that I do because I know I will never have it.

I don't ask "why" because there is no answer. "Why are people so hurtful to others?" There's no good answer to those kinds of questions and you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out.

You're probably reading this and going "Huh???" or may be thinking "I so get this.". Which ever I hope that you are able to figure out why.