I miss me!

Someone said to me one day that they missed me. My response was that I missed me too. I haven't been me in a long time. It's funny to say that because I don't really know if I ever knew who I was. I miss having fun. I miss having something to believe in. I miss having faith in people. It feels like that is gone.

I used to have fun and play. Even being an adult, I could play. I can't do that anymore. There are too many expectations that don't include playing. I miss the play. I think that's why I love Disney so much. It reminds me of when I could play. I go there and I can play again.

I used to believe in a lot of things. Now I believe in much of nothing. Nothing is stays the way it is or what it is supposed to be. I wait each day to see what will shift and change. It's hard to believe when you don't know what is or will be.

I used to take people for what I could see. I have found that there are many good actors in the world. People who present themselves, but aren't anything what they appear. Trust is a vary rare commodity.

I do miss me, but more importantly I miss what I have lost.

"Practically mediocre in every way"

Giving a presentation today, I could hear myself getting "preachy". I tend to do that sometimes...I know it's hard to believe, but yeah, it does happen on occasion. I was talking about the work that is done by our agency and how that everything that employees and contractors do should be in the best interest of the clients we serve. At the height of my sermon, I made the statement (along these line) that "if you don't get up every morning with the mind set to do the best for clients, then you need to call in sick and figure it out or find a new job."

Well, now I'm at home. I'm tired and not sure if I had to go back to work, if I would be 100% there for the client. I really don't even want to deal with anything at this point. Writing this blog is becoming somewhat overwhelming and I'm not even sure I have the energy to harvest my virtual farm.

I think in my zeal to make a point I may have been a little pompous. I did catch myself and qualify that we are not perfect and we have bad moments, days, etc. I told them that the most important point is to examine why we are working. We all know that working in human services is not going to make us rich. I have found to continue working in this field you have to find some other "payday" to keep you going.

There's a point in Mary Poppins when she measures herself. Her line is "Mary Poppins. Practically perfect in every way." I will not pretend that describes me. If anything I'm mediocre most days. On occasion, I shine. Those are the Mary Poppins days.

It's My Party...

It's been a hell of a day. Of course any day you have get up and be at work at 7:30 a.m. isn't grand, but with the knowledge that Big Brother is keeping track of the comings and goings only makes it better.

Leaving, on my way to court, I pull up to an intersection and look both ways. Everyone is trying to get to work, zipping by. I saw something in the road and thought it was a box. I then realized it wasn't a box, it was a dog that had been hit and it was still alive. I watched and thankfully is stopped breathing. All I could think about was the dog I lost when it was hit be a car in front of me. I began to cry. And it began.

I have cried all freakin' day. I listen to a Disney podcast and cried. I got a e-mail and cried. I did paperwork and cried. I made copies and cried. I hated this day and....wait for it...yes, I cried.

I logically know why, I cried all day. It's the hormonal changes that come right before Aunt Flo visits. But logic does nothing to help when you can't stop crying. This isn't a cathartic, you feel better after type cry. This is a hic-cupping, hyper-venitlating, for no good reason crying. I'm home now and I'm still crying. I will be glad when this day is over so I can have some control back.

Sorry if you thought this was going to be some happy post, but it's my party and I'll cry whether I want to or not.

Shut down and reboot

Monday the internet connection at home went down. All the home remedies had been tried...disconnect all the wires, reconnect, and turn it back on. No luck. Unplug everything and turn off everything else. Again, nada. So I broke down and called the service provider. I wasn't transfer to India this time or if I was this Indian was from the north east somewhere (judging by the accent). Well, following instructions the internet connection was re-establish...ta-dah.

Well, today my life connection went down. I wish it was as simple as disconnect everything, plug back in, and re-boot. Life wouldn't be that freaking easy. I have tried to disconnect and it didn't work...well it worked for a while but it wasn't what was really needed. Even though I like to disconnect from my family at times, there is still the need to have contact with family at some point. More often than not it's that they need me more. It's definitely not that I need to be needed...in fact some days I could do without being needed or depended on. But with family is responsibility and without family is an abyss.

So I'm taking this moment to shut down and dump, so maybe I can re-boot and be ready for tomorrow.