Panic

There is something out there. I can't see it, but I know it's there. I can feel it. It's sitting on my chest, not letting me breath. It's clouding my mind making it really hard to think.

I'm not sure why, but its has been with me all day. It's hard to sit at my desk and try to work when I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin for no apparent reason. I get up and walk around the office to try to shake it off. I can't even look at the computer. Waiting for the page to load makes me so tense. There's no one in the office to talk to. I'm alone with whatever it is.

It doesn't happen often, but when it comes it breaks me down. It doesn't help to cry. Screaming only makes me hoarse. I'm nervous and on edge. I'm scared and don't know what of. It's called panic and it has been attacking me all day. So I'm sitting here, writing about it, hoping it will leave so I can sleep tonight.

Why?

When I got a job at social services, I had to attend a lot of training. During one of the trainings on investigation procedure, the trainer asked what questions we would want to ask. Everyone came up with the common...who, what, when, where, how...and one person said why. The trainer jumped on this. "You never ask a child why. There is no way you can phrase a why question that won't be perceived as an accusation." I thought this was interesting and true. But I thought there are other reasons you don't ask 'why'.

I don't ask "why" because I don't want to know the answer. "Why did you do that?" I think if I got the answer it would be worse than the wondering I do now.

I don't ask "why" because I know the answer, but I don't want to admit it. "Why is this so important to you?" I know because I may want the same thing, but don't want to admit that I do because I know I will never have it.

I don't ask "why" because there is no answer. "Why are people so hurtful to others?" There's no good answer to those kinds of questions and you can drive yourself crazy trying to figure them out.

You're probably reading this and going "Huh???" or may be thinking "I so get this.". Which ever I hope that you are able to figure out why.